Affirmations about self

I am a writer. I am a good mom. I am a good person. I am doing better at understanding myself and taking care of myself. And sometimes I need to remind myself of a few things.

I am a writer.

I am a good mom.

I am a good person.

I am a role model.

I am a leader.

I am doing better at understanding myself and taking care of myself.

I am sometimes lonely.

I am often alone.

I am okay with who I am. Where I am. And what I am.

I have the power to change my circumstances if I really want to.

I have the power to make my own decisions and make my own path.

I am the person in control of my route.

I am the only person who can change me if I decide I need changing.

I am good enough.

I am better than good.

I am me.

And me is sometimes amazing.

Sometimes a mess.

But the goal is to

Always be me.

No matter what happens.

No matter who is in my way.

No matter what,

I am me.

And me is good.

Yes.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of a few things. :) 😀

Strains and Breaks

Having a high threshold for pain

Can be a double edged sword.

Too patient,

Plus

Too ambivalent

Means staying In denial

for too long.

After a while the constant pain

doesn’t penetrate consciousness.

A dull never-ending throb

that becomes the norm.

As the break gets wider

and deeper.

Chess, anyone?

Two children playing

their version of chess

Bouncing horses,

Squealing and screaming

as pawns, rooks, bishops, kings, and queens

Leap and bump each other.

Cha, cha, cha, cha.

Sounds way more fun than

Real chess.

More spontaneous

And possibly more creative and satisfying.

Running Injuries Suck

Disappointed and tired.

Not a good combination.

More like a recipe

for personal disaster.

Hurt,

Wallowing,

Jealous,

Wanting to do what I can’t do,

Might wind up saying things

that can’t be taken back,

Guilt and regret

replace rationality and hope.

Knowing it’s a cycle

helps,

A little.

Family Puzzles

So many puzzle pieces

missing.

Not sure how many there are

or what the final picture looks like.

Which makes it hard

to complete the picture.

Which is why I call it a

Puzzle.

Puzzle

according to Merriam Webster's online dictionary.

Definition one: the state of being puzzled as in perplexity

Definition 2: something that puzzles

Definition 3: a question, problem, or contrivance designed for testing ingenuity

Bingo! Number three fits.

Missing pieces result in questions

and the problem of not knowing what is missing

or how much.

Which definitely tests

Ingenuity.

Not only is my life a puzzle,

But so is my family.

From whence i came.

Where will I go.

And how will I get there.

Are You There Yet?

Almost at the finish line,

according to the hype.

But I know better.

The finish line is nowhere in sight.

But the deadline is.

So. I guess,

the deadline is the end of the game.

In which case I will be done on time.

But not really finished.

NaNo Pep Talk

Write like a mad woman.

Write like you’re on a mission.

Just write.

Think if you want to,

But for now just type.

Write like you mean it,

Just write.

Don’t second guess

Don’t spell and grammar check

Don’t worry about storyline.

Just write.

Now is the time

For getting words

Onto a page

Just write.

Editing can come later.

Right now

All I need to do is

write.

NaNoWriMo concession speech

Getting close to the deadline,

but still far from the goal.

Not going to give up entirely.

Just going to acknowledge that I won’t make it

all the way.

Luckily, in this case

partial victory

is okay by me.

I won’t make the number,

so won’t earn the prize.

But playing the game all the way through

is what matters.

My how I have grown.

Ladies and Gentlemen

Don’t go and get a bee in your bonnet

just because someone called you

Lady.

Consider it a title,

a compliment.

By the way,

you can call me

Gentleman

any time,

missy.

Prayer

Prayer is a personal thing.

So is a relationship with God,

He or she or it.

Spiritual or mythical.

Thanksgiving with Mom

Thanksgiving

Drove for 4 ½ hours,

to sit and watch my mom sleep.

No feast.

I missed that.

Which is okay.

Instead of going for a walk

or watching football with my dad,

I’m watching the Macy’s Parade

And my Mom in her bed,

set low to the floor,

with cushions on each side.

Small bruise on her forehead,

probably from falling out of bed.

Which is why there are cushions.

Federal regulations don’t permit

bedrails for adults.

So I sit

Listen to Broadway actors sing,

Followed by the blah blah blah of the announcers.

I watch Mom.

She might be dreaming,

happy ones, I hope.

She sighs,

and calls out.

Indistinguishable sounds,

Like the ones she makes when awake.

Except softer

As if she

knows she’s asleep.

Thanksgiving 2018

Going to visit mom tomorrow,

For Thanksgiving.

Not sure she will know that’s why I’m there,

Or if it’s me.

First major holiday without her.

Even though she is physically here.

Mentally, dementia has won

The war with her brain.

The smile is there

But not sure the recognition is.

Does it matter

That we don’t know

What is going on inside her head?
Does it matter

That we don’t know

If she knows who we are?

Does it matter

That she might not know

What is going on

Or understand anything people are saying?

I guess it only matters

If I think it does.

As long as she has the will to live

It must matter to her.

Life is Funny

Life has a funny way of occasionally kicking me in the ass.

It’s like something out there in the ether

sees me and thinks,

Hey, it’s time to remind her who she is

And what a fuck up she can be,

And, oh yeah, you’re actually good at a few things,

Maybe even awesome at one or two.

Which means you average out to okay.

You’re just a mere mortal

like everyone else.

Good days

Bad days

Amazing days

Totally sucky days.

Just like most people.

Except it’s you,

so you feel like

you pay too much attention

when it doesn’t matter

and too little when it does.

Life is funny that way.