Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Which is worse, being the one who is aging or the observer?

I may have made this one longer than it needs to be.
The condensed version is:Which is worse,
feeling your life slip away faster every day
or watching as someone you loves
is dying before your eyes.

Long version:

As I watch my mother sleep
I wonder
Which is worse
Feeling your life slip away from you
at a faster rate today than yesterday.
Knowing you are stuttering over a word
that you thought you knew how to say.
Knowing from the look on a face
that you just asked something
they have already told you,
probably more than once.
Knowing that you can’t fully control
bodily functions.
Knowing that you can’t do things
that make your life worth living.
Not wanting to be cared for,
And praying that you could just go to sleep
and not wake up..

Or is it worse to be the daughter, the son
watching a parent
become the needy child.
Knowing you are helpless to change the course of events,
Knowing you need to be positive on the outside
even if you are crying inside.
Knowing you need to be strong
for your parent
and for your own children,
who are watching a grandparent slip away..
All the while wondering,
Will this be me someday?
Will I be a burden on my children?
Will I cause this kind of stress?
Am I handling this the way I should?

Which is worse?
Which is more stressful?
Aging or being the witness?
Am I being selfish to even wonder?
Stress or selfish?
Neither one is what we wish for.
Both thoughts are part of the cycle of life
And a sign of the strength of love.
Ties that bind.
Create fear, worry and wonder.
Wonder that love can be so strong
And so confusing
Yet so sure.