Sunday, September 29, 2019

Sunday Morning Reflections

Caution: If you’re a family member, don’t read this. So why am I publishing it? Because sometimes just writing it isn’t enough. It becomes more real when I put it out there.
Sunday morning reflections.
I like sunny days
I like being healthy enough to walk
And walk and walk
And explore
And just do what I want to do.
I'm not sure I could handle a relationship
As much as I am lonely
I don't know how much I want to give up.
And, the realist in me knows
Even if I find a soulmate
There will be times 
When I need to compromise.
It won't be all about me.
Not that it is now.
There's work.
And family.
But I get to choose how much I work
And whether to do the weekend stuff.
I get to choose whether to take he phone call
Or answer the text.
I get to decide when to be present.
With a partner, 
That choice becomes more difficult.
I know how my mind works.
There would be guilt.
There would be resentment,
Or maybe, just maybe
I'm basing that negativity
On the past.
Where control, guilt, and resentment
Were the norm.
And it’s time for me
To try, try again.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Banana Bread

Good banana bread
can make you feel a little better.
Great banana bread can make you feel better than
when your mom or best friend brings you
a bowl of hot Chicken noodle soup
when you feel like you will never get out of bed again.
But nothing beats a solid, warm, bone-crushing hug.
Especially if it is followed by
silence instead of questions.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Sad but strong

I think this needs more editing.

Today I got a message,
Four words on my screen,
""I'm feeling really sad "
Which scared me.
I saw the message an hour after it was sent.
and replied with two words,
"Call me."
I sat and waited.
"I can't. I'm at work."
So i worried,
felt guilty about not calling sooner,
And worried.
Went on with my life for a few hours,
and then worried some more.
Because that's all I could think to do.
And then I realized that worrying was more about me
than the person who was sad.
Once I stopped worrying
I started to think about the strength
it takes
to tell someone 
the truth about how you feel,
when that feeling isn’t what people want to hear.
The courage it takes
to reach out,
to expose yourself when you're feeling vulnerable.
To let someone in.
To ask for comfort, help, validation, anything.
To ask someone to listen
The strength it takes
to expose a raw nerve
not knowing for sure
what will happen.
“I feel really sad”
“Call me so I can tell you you’re strong.”