Sunday, July 22, 2018

Not totally over anyone

No matter how I say it
No matter how much I say it,
The words aren’t totally true.
I say I am over you,
I say I don’t care about you,
I say I have moved on and am now free,
But my heart knows better.

Get over it
Let go
Move on.

Been there
Tried that.
Thought I did that.
And sometimes I believe it.

And then something comes up
And I realize
Whether I like it or not,
whether you care or not
You will always be in my heart
No matter how many times I tell myself otherwise
And think I have moved on.

I may be free
To do and think as I please
No strings attached
But some relationships and memories
Will never leave me,
No matter how many times I think they have.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Prose - Do you ever get lonely?

Not sure if this qualifies as an essay. It’s basically me thinking about a question I was asked.

Someone asked me yesterday if I ever fet lonely. I can’t remember if she said get or feel, so I’ll call it fet. Which covers me for my typo. Yes, sometimes I do. And thinking about it a day later, I wish I had added, I sometimes felt lonely when I was married. So loneliness is not exclusive to being single. Another thing to think about, my words of wisdom I suppose, it takes work to keep a relationship strong. I’ll admit I learned that the hard way, i.e., there were times I know I didn’t work at it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes by because I was oblivious or took things for granted. But how do you find the person to build the relationship with? Does that take work? If you’re working at it too hard can that prevent you from finding someone.? Or is it a lot of different factors - being in the right place at the right time, putting yourself out there in situations you didn’t used to do (like attending meet ups, forcing yourself to do one thing each week that involves a group of people in a social setting), and probably a lot of awareness and luck.

So, yes, sometimes I look at my life and feel like it sucks. This is not where I thought I would be or wanted to be at this age. This is not who I wanted to be. And then I wake up and realize this is where I am, I have accomplished many things in my life, I am talented, I am respected at work, I am doing things I didn’t do when I was in that long-term relationship. And moping about myself isn’t going to do anything but bring me down. And I don’t like being down. And the only one who can keep me down is me. Because I am free. I’m not attached to anyone but me. So if I am feeling lonely, I need to do something about it. Do I like my solitude? You bet I do. Do I like it when I feel lonely? You bet I don’t! That lonely feeling is the worst. It’s debilitating. It grinds into my self esteem and effects every aspect of my being. 

Am I 100% happy? No. Is anyone? I have good days, I have okay days, I have bad days. I have amazingly spectacular days and every once in a while I have a very down day. What I’ve noticed over the past four years is the good days and spectacular days far outnumber the bad days and down days. Good begets good. Bad begets misery. Every good day I have validates me. Every bad day I have tears me down. But, not as far down as it used to. I no longer take two steps back for every step forward. My momentum is forward so my back steps are smaller and don’t set me back. My baseline has been getting higher and nothing is going to crash me down. 

Lonely? Not if I can help it.

Sunday, July 1, 2018


The butterfly closing,
And opening
Its wings,
Seemed not to notice me,
As it landed on my bike tire
While I was stopped to
Refill my water bottle
And catch my breath.
Hopped onto the metal
Bench arm,
Exercised its wings,
Open, shut, open,
Oblivious to my sweating,
Sipping, and snacking,
Just a butterfly,
Looking cool and calm,
As I sought to bring my heartbeat and heat level,
To a reasonable level.
Heat, humidity and miles
Are probably no challenge
For this winged marvel.