Friday, July 21, 2017

Thank you, kids

It’s a little self centered, a little sappy, and I just felt I had to write it. Ah, ego.

Surprise, pleasure
A humbling experience.
At the heart of it
what I am doing is a selfish act.
The journey I am taking is for purely selfish reasons.
to satisfy a personal need.
Going public and talking about it publicly was
partially ego driven
and partially my own behavioral need,
  a check and balance,
  If I publicly say I will do this
  I will have to do it.
  So I don’t embarrass myself.
  So I don’t fail in public.
It’s one thing to set a goal and not reach it and no one knows,
It’s totally different to lose face in public.

So, for selfish reasons I went public
and now I am being thanked
for being an inspiration.
Which is so amazing
and incredible
and makes me so happy
and astounds me,
and scares me,
humbles me
And embarrasses me.

I never thought about inspiring people.
Sure I thought I might impress a few people,
maybe even my kids.
It didn’t occur to me
that I would be an inspiration or catalyst
for my children or their friends.
How could I have imagined that this,
ahem, 60 year old woman,
would strike a chord with 20-somethings
some of whom I have know since they were in middle school?

Hearing from them brings back the joy I felt
Watching my children with their friends.
Even that,
in a way,
was selfish.
I enjoyed watching them singing, dancing, playing dress up,
Growing into young women,
and thinking
rather selfishly and wistfully
that maybe I was a vital part  of their lives.
Mostly, I enjoyed seeing the two people I loved the most in the world
And if someone made one of my children happy,
I welcomed that person into my life,
into our circle,
They were family,
Except of course, if they were male and looking to be more than just friends,
in which case,
I watched them very carefully
and was fully prepared to cut them down at the knees
if the need ever arose.
First and foremost,
I am a mom.
and I will always protect my children
if I need to.

I kind of got off topic.
Here is what I initially thought when I went on Facebook
and saw what one of my daughter and one of her friends had posted:

When I started this,
I started it for me,
to push myself to do what I knew what I wanted to be doing.
That is writing and creating.
Sure, in the back of my mind I thought,
“Well, maybe this will inspire my kids a little
to kind of jump off the deep end
and try something like this."
And I’ve got to say I am totally blown away
by the fact that my daughter would post it on Facebook,
that I’m an inspiration.
And then to have one of her friends say that as well is just,
I don’t know what to say
I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point and write a poem or song about it.
But at this point in time,
it just blows me away.
And means more to me
than probably anyone will ever know,
Or hopefully some day you will know.
that's my ego talking.
Who doesn't want to think he/she made a mark,
was a positive role model.
I wrote a lot when I was in high school, college, and in my early twenties.
And then life kind of got in the way.
So, I guess part of my message is
that even if you feel that life gets in your way
and you’ve lost that spark,
trust me,
you can always get it back if you try hard enough.
That’s it.
That’s all I wanted to say.
And, from the tips of my toes to the bottom of my heart
to the hairs on my head
   that are thinner now than many years ago,
Thank you all very much
for being in my life.

Keep writing.
And if you stop, don’t worry.
At some point you will know when it’s time for you to start again.
And you will, if you miss it enough.
Don’t let anyone stop you or distract you.
If creating is part of you,
don’t let anyone convince you that they are worth you turning that part of you off.
And if they do convince you,
Not to worry,
Some day you will find a reason
and then a way 
to turn it back on.
Because being creative is what makes you whole.