Sunday Morning Reflections

Caution: If you’re a family member, don’t read this. So why am I publishing it? Because sometimes just writing it isn’t enough. It becomes more real when I put it out there.

Sunday morning reflections.

I like sunny days

I like being healthy enough to walk

And walk and walk

And explore

And just do what I want to do.

I'm not sure I could handle a relationship

As much as I am lonely

I don't know how much I want to give up.

And, the realist in me knows

Even if I find a soulmate

There will be times 

When I need to compromise.

It won't be all about me.

Not that it is now.

There's work.

And family.

But I get to choose how much I work

And whether to do the weekend stuff.

I get to choose whether to take he phone call

Or answer the text.

I get to decide when to be present.

With a partner, 

That choice becomes more difficult.

I know how my mind works.

There would be guilt.

There would be resentment,

Or maybe, just maybe

I'm basing that negativity

On the past.

Where control, guilt, and resentment

Were the norm.

And it’s time for me

To try, try again.

Banana Bread

Good banana bread

can make you feel a little better.

Great banana bread can make you feel better than

when your mom or best friend brings you

a bowl of hot Chicken noodle soup

when you feel like you will never get out of bed again.

But nothing beats a solid, warm, bone-crushing hug.

Especially if it is followed by

silence instead of questions.

Sad but strong

I think this needs more editing.

Today I got a message,

Four words on my screen,

""I'm feeling really sad "

Which scared me.

I saw the message an hour after it was sent.

and replied with two words,

"Call me."

I sat and waited.

"I can't. I'm at work."

So i worried,

felt guilty about not calling sooner,

And worried.

Went on with my life for a few hours,

and then worried some more.

Because that's all I could think to do.

And then I realized that worrying was more about me

than the person who was sad.

Once I stopped worrying

I started to think about the strength

it takes

to tell someone 

the truth about how you feel,

when that feeling isn’t what people want to hear.

The courage it takes

to reach out,

to expose yourself when you're feeling vulnerable.

To let someone in.

To ask for comfort, help, validation, anything.

To ask someone to listen

The strength it takes

to expose a raw nerve

not knowing for sure

what will happen.

“I feel really sad”

“Call me so I can tell you you’re strong.”

Recycling the Rut

Reflecting on my previous post

Back in my cycle. 

My well-worn, comfortable rut. 

Wallowing in my wants, 

Looking for the answer that will satisfy my needs. 

Rehashing, Restating, Reliving. 

Old news.

And easy to do,

Instead of redirecting., reaching, and redeeming 

Maybe that will come next.

Will I Ever

Raw, unfiltered, unedited. Getting close to another landmark birthday and I seem to be reflecting more than usual. Dark. Negative. Not so confident. Not so secure. Just thinking, maybe a little too much and a little too deeply and a little too sad. Which, of course, gets my creativity going.

Will I ever meet a man

  who wants to hold me,

  maybe even kiss me,

  more than once.

  Maybe even fall in love with me.

Will I ever meet a man

  who I want to be with

  for the rest of my life,

  or at least several times a week

  for as many weeks as possible,

Will I ever meet a man

  and not feel awkward,

  and not feel socially inept or inadequate,

  and not feel like the chance that he wants to be involved with me

  is slim to none.

Will I ever meet a man

  Who I really hope will call me

    and he does.

  Who I really want to hang out with

    and we do.

  Who feels like my soul mate

   and he is.

Forever Treasure

That moment
when the stars align
for you
and your kids
at the same time.
And you wish
you could bottle it
and savor it
forever.

Becoming my mother, part one

Becoming my mother
was not on my list
of things to do
with my life.
And yet,
here I am.

So much to do

Tired eyes. 

Tired mind.

Sleepy tired.

Mentally tired.

Not stressed.

And not tired of going out and doing stuff.

Just need to rest

More

Which is hard

When there is so much life to live.

Not sure what is going of with the line spacing. Copy and paste sometimes results in weird formatting.

Mom and Fireworks

Fourth of July fireworks lighting up the sky,
Watching mom's face,
As she ooohes and ahs.
Red, blue, pink, purple,
Reflected on her cheeks.
The longer and louder the finale,
The bigger her smile.
Going to fireworks without her,
The sparkling seems less bright,
The booms less loud,
The finale too short,
The ecstasy and innocence are gone.

Hiking Affirmation

Written in verse, but more of an affirmation than a poem.

Why do i like to hike?

Physical exercise,

The view,

Mental release.

Sometimes it’s more about the feeling

than the beauty.

Sometimes the only way to experience the beauty

Is to get to it on foot.

Sometimes the beauty is more magnificent

when you have to work to get there.

Hiking is a release.

Hiking is a tool.

Hiking is a journey.

Hiking is a way to feed my soul.

Hiking touches my soul.

Hiking keeps me human.

Hiking reminds me that

there is more to life than

my little piece of the world.

Hiking and Silence

Headphones.

Want to block outside sounds.

Only want to hear what I want to hear.

Silence.

Crunching of hiking boots

Random chirping

Wind

Breaths in time with footsteps.

Silence.

No need for headphones,

When the only sounds to hear

Are the ones you want to hear.

And sometimes there are no sounds

At all.

You can feel your lungs suck in and push out air,

Can feel your heartbeat,

Feel before hear.

Natural.

Peaceful.

Why do we have to travel so far

To find it.

And then lose it

When someone comes down the path

And doesn’t understand

Why we are there.

Silence

Such a precious commodity.

Not readily available

And it never lasts.

Silence,

A renewable source of energy.

Just need to seek it out

And hold onto it for

As long as you can.

Storm could be coming

The wind is picking up.

The flag across the street is rippling.

Last night a weatherman said a storm was coming.

It’s not here yet.

But soon.

For now, the wind is playing with everything in its path

And the clouds are blowing faster across the sky,

Hiding the blue.

A storm may be coming

But for now

The air is hot,

Skin is sticky,

Rain would feel

Really good.

It's all about the bass

Positive writing
How do people do it?
Writing feelings and worries and inner thoughts
Rarely brings out the happy.
The purpose of venting
is to release inner tension
get rid of the venom
and get on with my life.
And then it is happy time.